Why Do I Compare Myself With Other People?
Comparing yourself with other people is something most of us do.
Comparing yourself with other people is something most of us do.
You might compare careers, relationships, appearance, money, homes, families, achievements, health, confidence or how well somebody else seems to be coping with life.
Sometimes comparison can motivate us. But when it repeatedly leaves you feeling that you are falling behind or not good enough, it can start affecting your confidence and wellbeing.
Why do we compare ourselves?
Other people give us reference points.
Seeing what somebody else is doing can help us think about our own choices, goals and progress.
The difficulty comes when comparison stops being useful information and becomes a judgement about your own worth.
You might find yourself thinking:
“They’ve achieved much more than me.”
“Everyone else seems to have their life sorted.”
“I should be further ahead by now.”
“Why can’t I be more like them?”
These comparisons can feel convincing, even when you are comparing two very different lives.
Are you comparing the whole picture?
We rarely know everything about somebody else’s circumstances.
You may see their successful career without knowing about the difficulties they have experienced.
You may admire somebody’s confidence without knowing that they sometimes doubt themselves.
You may look at another person’s relationship, finances, family or lifestyle without knowing what happens privately.
This can create an unfair comparison:
You know your own worries, mistakes and uncertainties, but you may only see selected parts of somebody else’s life.
Different lives have different starting points
People do not begin with identical circumstances.
Health, money, education, caring responsibilities, relationships, opportunities, setbacks and many other factors can affect what somebody is able to do and when they are able to do it.
There is no universal timetable for getting a particular job, buying a home, finding a relationship, starting a family, changing career, retiring or achieving a personal goal.
Someone reaching a milestone before you does not automatically mean you are behind.
Notice what comparison is doing to you
Comparison isn’t always harmful.
Ask yourself:
“Is this helping me understand something I want, or is it simply making me feel worse about myself?”
If somebody’s achievement inspires you to try something, comparison may be useful.
If it repeatedly leads to thoughts such as “I’m a failure” or “I’m not good enough”, it may be worth changing where you place your attention.
Compare progress differently
Instead of asking:
“How am I doing compared with them?”
try asking:
“What’s changed for me?”
Think about where you were six months, a year or several years ago.
You might have:
- dealt with a difficult situation
- learnt something new
- become more independent
- recovered from a setback
- supported somebody else
- changed an unhelpful habit
- made a difficult decision
- simply kept going through a challenging period
Not every meaningful achievement is obvious from the outside.
Ask what you actually want
Comparison can sometimes make somebody else’s goal feel as though it should be yours.
Before deciding that you need what somebody else has, ask:
- Is this genuinely important to me?
- Would achieving it improve my life?
- Am I interested in it, or do I feel I should have it?
- What would progress look like for me?
Your priorities do not have to match somebody else’s.
When comparison affects your confidence
If you repeatedly compare yourself with others, you may gradually overlook your own strengths and achievements.
Try noticing when comparison starts and what usually triggers it.
You do not need to stop noticing other people’s lives.
The aim is to remember that somebody else’s progress does not reduce the value of your own.
5.1: Understanding Self-Confidence
5.3: Building Confidence One Step at a Time
5.4: Coping With Self-Doubt
5.6: Managing Negative Thoughts About Yourself
5.9: Learning to Recognise Your Achievements
25.3: Why Do I Keep Comparing Myself With Other People Online?
25.4: Everyone Else Seems to Be Doing Better Than Me
General information only. This is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional healthcare advice.