Anger Is Affecting My Relationship, What Can I Do

When anger becomes part of a relationship’s routine, both people can start preparing for the next argument before it happens.

A tone of voice is interpreted as criticism. A difficult subject is avoided because it always explodes. One person may feel they are walking on eggshells; the other may feel permanently misunderstood or provoked.

The first question is not who is “the angry one”. It is whether the way anger is being expressed is making the relationship unsafe or impossible to communicate within.

Separate disagreement from intimidation

Healthy relationships can include anger and disagreement.

Threats, violence, controlling behaviour, deliberately frightening somebody, blocking them from leaving, destroying property to intimidate them or making them afraid to speak are different.

If abuse or violence is present, ordinary communication tips or couples exercises are not an adequate response. Specialist support and safety should come first.

If the relationship is safe, study the argument cycle

Many recurring arguments have a predictable sequence.

One person raises an issue. The other feels criticised and becomes defensive. Voices rise. Old grievances appear. Somebody withdraws. Nothing is resolved.

Write down the sequence when you are calm. The aim is not to prove whose version is correct but to find an earlier point where the cycle can change.

Agree how to pause before the next argument

A pause works better when both people understand what it means.

Agree a phrase that signals the conversation needs to stop, how long you will separate for and roughly when you will return to the issue.

Walking away indefinitely can feel like abandonment or punishment. Continuing while both people are highly activated can turn one problem into several more.

Talk about one issue at a time

If the argument is about money, try to keep it about money.

Bringing in somebody’s family, an argument from three years ago and every other disappointment makes resolution much harder.

Use specific examples and explain what you need to change. Avoid language designed primarily to wound.

Both people can have valid feelings without equal responsibility for harmful behaviour

Relationships are complicated and arguments can involve mistakes on both sides.

But responsibility for threatening, abusive or violent behaviour belongs with the person doing it. Anger is not a defence.

Where the relationship is safe but anger and conflict keep damaging it, counselling or other relationship support may help. Individual support may also be useful where one person’s anger needs focused work.

Last reviewed

6 September 2026

Important anger and mental health information

This guide provides general information only and is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional medical or mental-health advice. Anger is a normal human emotion, but persistent or intense anger can sometimes be linked with stress, difficult experiences, physical health, hormones, mental-health difficulties or other factors.

Feeling angry is not the same as behaving aggressively or abusively. Anger does not make threatening, frightening, controlling or violent behaviour acceptable. If you are worried that your behaviour is hurting or frightening other people, seek appropriate professional support.

If anger is persistent, feels difficult to control, is damaging relationships or work, or is having a significant effect on your wellbeing, speak to your GP, counsellor or another appropriately qualified mental-health professional.

If you or somebody else is in immediate danger or there is a life-threatening emergency, call 999 or go to A&E.