Someone I Care About Is Questioning Their Sexuality or Gender, How Can I Support Them
When another adult tells you they are questioning their sexuality or gender, you may want to say exactly the right thing.
When another adult tells you they are questioning their sexuality or gender, you may want to say exactly the right thing.
You do not need to have all the terminology or understand immediately what the person will eventually decide.
Often the most useful starting point is simpler: listen to what they are actually telling you, avoid turning uncertainty into a problem to solve, and let them remain in control of who else knows.
Do not rush them towards a label
If somebody says “I’m not sure”, believe the uncertainty.
Avoid repeatedly asking whether they are gay, bisexual, trans, non-binary or something else. A label may become useful to them later, or they may already know but not want to define themselves to you.
Support means making room for their experience rather than finishing the sentence for them.
Keep their information private unless they ask otherwise
Disclosure can affect relationships, work, family and community life.
Do not assume that because somebody told you, they are comfortable with everybody knowing.
Ask what language they want you to use and who, if anyone, already knows. Treat personal information with the same care you would want for something important you had shared in confidence.
You can ask respectful questions without conducting an interview
It is reasonable to ask what would be helpful.
You might ask whether they want you simply to listen, whether there is language they would like you to use, or whether they want practical support.
Avoid making them responsible for teaching you everything. If you want broader background information, use reputable sources separately.
Do not make your first feelings their responsibility
You may be surprised, worried about how other people will react, or need time to understand something new.
Those feelings can be real without needing to be processed entirely with the person who has just trusted you.
Find an appropriate confidential source of support for yourself if necessary, while respecting the other person’s privacy.
Support is not the same as steering
Do not push somebody to come out, stay private, adopt a label, reject a label or make particular medical decisions.
Likewise, mental-health support should not be used to change or suppress somebody’s sexual orientation or gender identity.
If they are struggling emotionally, encourage them to speak to a GP, counsellor or another appropriately qualified mental-health professional who can support their wellbeing without predetermining the outcome.
Keep the rest of the relationship alive
The person who spoke to you is still the same friend, partner, colleague or adult family member you knew before the conversation.
Continue talking about ordinary life.
Knowing that they can discuss identity when they want to, without every future conversation becoming about it, can itself make a relationship feel safer.
If you are worried about their mental health
Ask how they are coping rather than assuming identity is the cause of every difficulty.
Discrimination, rejection, isolation and uncertainty can affect mental wellbeing, but anxiety or low mood may also have other causes.
Encourage appropriate professional support where needed and respect that the person remains the decision-maker in their own life.
Last reviewed
6 September 2026
General information only. This is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional mental-health, healthcare, legal or other specialist advice. Sexuality and gender identity are not mental-health problems. If discrimination, waiting for healthcare, relationship difficulties, isolation or other people’s reactions are having a persistent or significant effect on your mental wellbeing, consider speaking to your GP, counsellor or another appropriately qualified mental-health professional. Mental-health support should support your wellbeing without trying to change or predetermine your identity.