I Feel Guilty About Finding Caring Difficult
You can love somebody deeply and still find caring for them difficult.
You can love somebody deeply and still find caring for them difficult.
Those statements do not cancel each other out.
Guilt often appears when the reality of caring clashes with the person you think you should be: endlessly patient, grateful for every moment, never frustrated and able to cope without complaint. Real human beings do not work like that.
What are you accusing yourself of?
Try finishing the sentence: “I feel guilty because…”
Because you get irritated? Because you want a break? Because you sometimes wish somebody else would take over? Because you are considering a care home? Because you enjoy yourself when the person is not with you?
Naming the accusation makes it possible to examine rather than simply feel condemned by it.
A feeling is not an action
Feeling angry is not the same as behaving cruelly.
Wanting time away is not abandonment. Feeling relieved when somebody goes into respite does not mean you do not love them.
Emotions often tell you about pressure and unmet needs. They do not automatically tell you what kind of person you are.
Guilt can keep carers in unsafe arrangements
Sometimes guilt prevents people accepting help.
You may insist on lifting somebody alone, refuse respite or promise that a person will never move into residential care even when needs become far greater than anyone expected.
Decisions about care should consider the person’s needs, your capacity, safety and available support, not only a promise made under completely different circumstances.
What if I lose my patience?
Everybody has limits.
If you notice yourself becoming repeatedly angry, frightened by your own reactions or unable to provide safe care, seek help early. Step away safely where possible, involve other people and tell health or social-care professionals that the arrangement is under strain.
Asking for help protects both people.
Talk somewhere you do not have to defend yourself
Family conversations can be difficult because everyone has an opinion about what should happen.
Counselling offers a different space. Carers Mind can help you explore guilt, resentment, grief and conflicting loyalties without deciding for you what care arrangement is right.
The aim is not to remove every uncomfortable feeling. It is to stop guilt being the only voice allowed in the decision.
Important informationThis guide provides general information and is not intended to provide legal, financial, medical or other professional advice. Individual circumstances can be different. You may wish to check current information from official sources and seek advice from an appropriately qualified professional before making important decisions.