Anniversaries and Grief
Grief can become stronger again around anniversaries and important dates.
Grief can become stronger again around anniversaries and important dates.
This might happen on the anniversary of somebody’s death, their birthday, a holiday, a family celebration or another date that has meaning for you.
You may notice the date approaching weeks beforehand, or feelings may catch you by surprise.
Why can anniversaries feel so difficult?
Dates connect us with memories.
They can remind you not only of the person who died, but of where you were, what happened and how life has changed since then.
Sometimes your body or mood seems to react before you consciously realise that an anniversary is approaching.
Does this mean I’m going backwards?
No.
A difficult anniversary does not erase the progress you have made or mean you are back at the beginning of grief.
It is possible to be managing everyday life and still have particular days that feel painful.
Grief does not need to disappear for life to move forward.
Should I plan for the day?
If you know a date may be difficult, planning can give you some control.
Think about:
- whether you want company or time alone
- whether you want to work
- whether you want to visit somewhere meaningful
- whether there is a tradition you want to continue
- who you could contact if the day becomes harder than expected
- whether you want fewer commitments
You do not have to turn the day into a major event.
What could I do to remember somebody?
There is no required way to mark an anniversary.
You might:
- visit a meaningful place
- look at photographs
- cook a favourite meal
- listen to music
- light a candle
- spend time with family or friends
- do something the person enjoyed
- write down a memory
- do nothing in particular
Choose something that has meaning for you.
What if my family wants to mark the day differently?
People within the same family can grieve differently.
One person may want everybody together while another wants privacy.
Try to talk about expectations beforehand.
There does not always need to be one family approach. People can remember the same person in different ways.
What if I need to work?
You may decide that work provides useful structure.
Or you may want to take leave if that is possible.
If you think the date may affect you at work, consider telling your manager in advance.
You do not need to explain more than you are comfortable sharing.
What if an anniversary catches me by surprise?
Pause if you can.
Ask yourself what you need for the next part of the day.
That might be contacting somebody, changing your plans, going for a walk or simply recognising why you are feeling different.
You do not need to solve the feeling.
Sometimes understanding the connection is enough to make it less confusing.
Can happy events trigger grief too?
Yes.
Weddings, births, achievements, retirement, holidays and other positive events can highlight the absence of somebody you wish was there.
Feeling sadness during a happy event does not mean you are ungrateful or ruining the occasion.
More than one emotion can exist at the same time.
When might more support help?
If anniversaries or reminders are causing significant distress or grief is having a persistent effect on everyday life, consider talking to your GP, a counsellor or a bereavement-support service.
9.2: There Is No ‘Right’ Way to Grieve
9.3: Coping After Someone Dies
9.5: Grief and Sleep
10.1: Coping With Uncertainty
11.6: Creating a Wellbeing Plan
General information only. This is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional healthcare advice.