Supporting Somebody Who Is Grieving
When somebody you care about is grieving, it can be difficult to know what to say.
When somebody you care about is grieving, it can be difficult to know what to say.
You may worry about upsetting them, saying the wrong thing or making their grief worse.
Often, you do not need the perfect words.
Being present, listening and offering practical support can matter more.
Should I mention the person who died?
Many people worry that mentioning the person’s name will remind somebody of their loss.
They are unlikely to have forgotten.
If you are unsure, follow their lead or ask gently whether they would like to talk.
You could say:
“I’ve been thinking about you.”
“I’m here if you want to talk.”
“I was remembering [name] today.”
If they do not want to talk, respect that too.
What should I avoid saying?
Try to avoid phrases that tell somebody how they should feel, such as:
“You need to be strong.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You should be moving on.”
“At least they lived a long life.”
These may be intended kindly but can minimise what the person is experiencing.
You do not need to find a positive side to their loss.
How can I listen?
Give them space to speak without immediately trying to fix things.
You can acknowledge what you hear:
“That sounds really difficult.”
“I can see why today has been hard.”
“I don’t know exactly what to say, but I’m here.”
Silence is not necessarily a failure.
Sometimes sitting with somebody is enough.
What practical help can I offer?
“Let me know if you need anything” is kind, but a grieving person may not have the energy to decide what to ask for.
Specific offers can be easier:
“Can I bring dinner on Tuesday?”
“Would you like me to drive you to the appointment?”
“Shall I walk the dog this afternoon?”
“Do you want me to help sort those letters?”
Accept no as an answer.
Support should reduce pressure, not create another obligation.
How long should I keep checking in?
Support often arrives immediately after a death and then becomes quieter.
Consider checking in later too.
Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays and other important dates may be difficult.
A simple message months later can still mean a great deal.
What if they seem to be coping?
Do not assume they no longer need support because they are working, socialising or laughing.
People can have ordinary or enjoyable moments while still grieving.
At the same time, do not treat them as permanently fragile.
Let them tell you what they need.
What if their grief is different from mine?
Avoid comparing.
Even if you have experienced bereavement yourself, their relationship, circumstances and response may be different.
You can share your experience if it genuinely helps, but keep the focus on them.
What if I’m worried about how they are coping?
Encourage them to speak to their GP, a counsellor or a bereavement-support service if grief is having a significant or persistent effect on everyday life.
You can offer to help them find information or attend an appointment if they want you to.
You do not have to become their counsellor.
What about looking after myself?
Supporting somebody who is grieving can affect you too, particularly if you also knew the person who died.
Keep your own boundaries and support network.
You can care about somebody without being available every hour of every day.
9.2: There Is No ‘Right’ Way to Grieve
9.8: Anniversaries and Grief
21.2: How Do I Start a Conversation About Mental Wellbeing?
21.3: What Should I Say to Somebody Who Is Struggling?
21.4: What Might Be Unhelpful to Say?
21.11: Setting Boundaries When Supporting Somebody
General information only. This is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional healthcare advice.