Coping After Someone Dies
When somebody dies, you may be dealing with grief and practical responsibilities at the same time.
When somebody dies, you may be dealing with grief and practical responsibilities at the same time.
There may be people to contact, arrangements to make and decisions to take while you are still trying to understand what has happened.
You do not need to deal with everything emotionally or practically at once.
What should I focus on first?
In the early days, concentrate on immediate needs.
That might mean:
- staying in contact with people you trust
- eating and drinking regularly
- getting some rest
- dealing with only the practical tasks that genuinely need attention
- asking other people to help with calls, paperwork or arrangements
MH360’s Section 17 explains the practical administration after a death. This guide is about looking after yourself while those things are happening.
Why do simple tasks feel difficult?
Grief can affect concentration, memory and decision-making.
You may read the same letter several times, forget why you entered a room or struggle to make ordinary choices.
If that is happening, simplify things.
Write down important tasks. Keep paperwork together. Deal with one thing at a time.
Where possible, postpone decisions that do not need to be made immediately.
Should I keep busy?
There is no rule.
Activity can provide structure and a break from difficult thoughts, but being constantly busy can also become exhausting.
Try to find a balance between practical activity, rest and time to process what has happened.
What about other people?
People often want to help but do not know what to do.
Specific requests can make this easier.
You could ask somebody to:
- make a meal
- drive you somewhere
- make a phone call
- sit with you
- help organise paperwork
- walk the dog
- tell other people what has happened
Accepting practical help can leave you with more energy for yourself.
Do I need to talk about the person?
Only if and when you want to.
Talking can be helpful, but you are allowed to have ordinary conversations too.
You may want to remember the person, tell stories or look at photographs. At other times you may want distraction or privacy.
Both are reasonable.
Try not to make grief another task you believe you must perform correctly.
What can I do on a particularly difficult day?
Reduce the size of the day.
Instead of thinking about the next month, concentrate on the next few hours.
Ask:
What genuinely needs doing today?
Who could help me?
Have I eaten or had something to drink?
Would getting outside or changing rooms help?
Is there somebody I want to speak to?
Small actions can make a difficult day more manageable without pretending to solve the loss.
What if I need more support?
Friends and family can be valuable, but sometimes you may want support outside your immediate circle.
A GP, counsellor or bereavement-support service can provide another place to talk.
Support can be useful whether the death was recent or happened some time ago.
9.4: Why Can Grief Affect You Physically?
9.5: Grief and Sleep
9.6: Returning to Work Following Bereavement
11.8: Breaking Problems Into Manageable Steps
17.1: Someone Has Died, What Do I Need to Do First?
17.13: Dealing With the Administration Is Becoming Overwhelming
General information only. This is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional healthcare advice.