There Is No ‘Right’ Way to Grieve
People sometimes worry that they are grieving in the wrong way.
People sometimes worry that they are grieving in the wrong way.
You might think you are crying too much, not crying enough, feeling numb for too long or returning to ordinary activities too quickly.
There is no single emotional timetable that everybody follows after a loss.
Why do people grieve differently?
Your response can be influenced by many things, including:
- your relationship with the person who died
- whether the death was expected or sudden
- your personality and usual way of coping
- previous losses
- family, cultural or religious practices
- other pressures happening in your life
- the support available around you
Two people can lose the same person and experience the loss very differently.
What if I haven’t cried?
Not crying does not mean that you did not care.
Some people cry frequently. Others rarely do.
You may initially feel numb, practical or focused on arranging things. Feelings can appear later, or may be expressed in ways other than crying.
What if I feel relief?
Relief can be uncomfortable to admit.
It may happen after a long illness, a difficult caring situation, prolonged uncertainty or a complicated relationship.
Feeling relief does not erase love, sadness or loss.
More than one emotion can be true at the same time.
What if I’m angry?
Anger can be part of grief.
You might feel angry about what happened, the treatment somebody received, things left unsaid, other people’s reactions, or simply that the person is no longer here.
Try to notice the feeling without judging yourself for having it.
What if I’m coping better than other people?
You do not need to deliberately make yourself feel worse because somebody else appears to be struggling more.
Likewise, somebody else’s ability to return to work, socialise or talk about the person does not tell you how you should be coping.
Avoid using other people’s grief as a measure of your own.
Does grief have a deadline?
No.
The intensity of grief often changes over time, but important memories and feelings can remain.
There may also be periods when grief feels stronger again.
Birthdays, anniversaries, family events and unexpected reminders can all bring feelings closer to the surface.
What if people expect me to have ‘moved on’?
Other people may become less aware of your grief as time passes.
You do not have to justify every difficult day.
It can help to tell people what you need, for example:
“I’m doing okay, but today is a difficult day.”
“I’d rather not talk about it just now.”
“I’d actually like to talk about them.”
Grief can become part of your life without needing to disappear completely.
When might support help?
There is a difference between grief being individual and having to manage everything alone.
If you are finding everyday life increasingly difficult, or would value somewhere independent to talk, support from a GP, counsellor or bereavement service may help.
9.3: Coping After Someone Dies
9.8: Anniversaries and Grief
5.6: Managing Negative Thoughts About Yourself
21.4: What Might Be Unhelpful to Say?
General information only. This is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional healthcare advice.