Why Have I Lost My Confidence?
Losing confidence can be confusing, particularly if you used to feel comfortable doing things that now make you nervous or uncertain.
Losing confidence can be confusing, particularly if you used to feel comfortable doing things that now make you nervous or uncertain.
You might find yourself wondering:
“What happened to the person I used to be?”
Confidence can change throughout life. Losing some of it does not necessarily mean there is something wrong with you. Sometimes it is a response to experiences, changes or pressures that have gradually affected how you see yourself.
Why can confidence disappear?
There is rarely one explanation.
Confidence can be affected by:
- criticism or rejection
- difficulties at work
- redundancy or losing a job
- relationship problems or separation
- an accident or injury
- illness or changes in your health
- financial difficulties
- bereavement or loss
- becoming isolated
- retirement or another major life change
- experiencing failure or disappointment
- repeatedly comparing yourself with other people
- spending a long time away from something you previously did regularly
Sometimes several things happen close together.
You may cope with each individual problem but gradually notice that you feel less certain about yourself.
A difficult experience can change how you see yourself
One bad experience can sometimes have a surprisingly large effect on confidence.
You might make a mistake at work and start questioning your ability.
You might have an accident and become nervous about driving, cycling, riding or returning to an activity.
A relationship ending might leave you questioning whether somebody else will want you.
An illness might mean that things you previously found easy now require more effort.
The experience can start becoming evidence for a much bigger conclusion:
“Maybe I’m just not capable anymore.”
But one difficult experience does not necessarily tell you what you are capable of in the future.
Confidence can become connected to roles
Many of us build part of our identity around what we do.
You might see yourself as:
- good at your job
- physically capable
- independent
- a parent or partner
- someone other people rely on
- sociable and outgoing
- knowledgeable or experienced
If something changes that role, confidence can be affected too.
Redundancy, retirement, separation, illness, caring responsibilities or losing independence can leave you wondering where you fit.
Sometimes what feels like losing confidence is partly about adjusting to a changed life.
Have you stopped doing things?
Confidence can also reduce when you have been away from something.
Perhaps you haven’t driven for months, exercised for years, worked for a while or spent much time socially with other people.
When you think about starting again, you may expect yourself to feel exactly as confident as you once did.
It is normal for something to feel unfamiliar after a break.
Feeling rusty is not the same as being incapable.
What are you telling yourself?
Low confidence can affect the way you interpret situations.
You may notice thoughts such as:
“Everyone else knows what they’re doing.”
“I’ll embarrass myself.”
“I used to be able to do this.”
“I’m not good enough anymore.”
When these thoughts are repeated frequently, they can begin to feel like facts rather than thoughts.
It can help simply to notice when this is happening.
Ask yourself:
What has actually changed, and what am I assuming has changed?
They are not always the same thing.
You don’t have to become your old self
When confidence has been affected by a major change, the aim does not necessarily have to be getting back to exactly who you were before.
You may be adapting to different circumstances.
Confidence can grow again around where you are now.
Understanding what affected it can be the first step towards deciding what you would like to rebuild.
5.1: Understanding Self-Confidence
5.3: Building Confidence One Step at a Time
5.4: Coping With Self-Doubt
5.6: Managing Negative Thoughts About Yourself
5.7: Returning to Something After a Bad Experience
10.3: Dealing With a Major Life Change
General information only. This is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional healthcare advice.