Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries
A boundary is a limit around what you are comfortable with, what you can reasonably give and how you expect to be treated.
A boundary is a limit around what you are comfortable with, what you can reasonably give and how you expect to be treated.
Boundaries are not about controlling other people. They are about being clearer about your own choices and limits.
Why can boundaries be difficult?
You may worry that saying no will upset somebody, make you look selfish or cause conflict.
If you are used to helping everybody else, you may not notice that you have agreed to more than you can manage until you feel resentful or exhausted.
Notice where you regularly feel uncomfortable
Repeated frustration can be a clue that a boundary is needed.
Perhaps somebody calls at times you cannot manage, expects you to solve every problem, comments on subjects you do not want to discuss or assumes you will always change your plans.
Make the boundary specific
‘I need better boundaries’ is difficult to act on.
A clearer boundary might be: ‘I can’t answer work messages after 7pm’, ‘I can take Mum to one appointment this week, not all three’, or ‘I’m not willing to discuss that subject when people are shouting.’
Say it clearly without a long defence
You can be polite and still be firm.
Long explanations sometimes turn a boundary into a negotiation. Explain what you can do, what you cannot do and, where appropriate, what alternative you can offer.
Expect other people to have feelings about it
Somebody being disappointed does not automatically mean your boundary is unreasonable.
People who benefited from you having few limits may need time to adjust. Consistency often matters more than finding the perfect words.
Boundaries work both ways
Other people are also entitled to limits.
A healthy relationship involves being able to hear ‘no’, respect privacy and recognise that somebody else may not have the time or emotional capacity you hoped for.
When is this more than a boundary problem?
If somebody uses threats, intimidation, coercion or violence when you try to set limits, seek specialist advice and support.
Ordinary communication techniques are not a substitute for safety planning in an abusive situation.
8.7: Family Conflict and Stress
11.13: Preparing for a Difficult Conversation
21.11: Setting Boundaries When Supporting Somebody
General information only. This is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional healthcare advice.