Managing Things You Can’t Control

Some of the most stressful situations in life are the ones we cannot simply fix.

You might be waiting for test results, worrying about somebody you care about, facing uncertainty at work, waiting for an important decision or dealing with something that has already happened.

Your mind may keep looking for a solution even when there isn’t one available.

You cannot always change the situation. But you may be able to change how much of your time and energy it takes from you.

Start by asking: can I do anything about this?

When something is worrying you, try asking:

“Is there something practical I can do about this right now?”

Sometimes the answer will be yes.

If you are worried about an appointment, you might write down the questions you want to ask.

If you are waiting for an important decision, you might check when you should expect an answer.

If you are worried about money, there may be information or support you can look for.

Taking practical action can sometimes reduce uncertainty.

But there will also be situations where the answer is:

“There is nothing more I can do right now.”

Recognising that difference matters.

Separate what you can control from what you can’t

Try dividing the situation into two parts.

Things I can influence

These might include:

• what I do today
• whether I ask for information
• how I prepare
• who I speak to
• whether I ask for support
• how I spend my time while I wait
• how I look after myself

Things I cannot control

These might include:

• another person’s decision
• what somebody else thinks
• how quickly something happens
• something that has already happened
• exactly what will happen in the future
• every possible outcome

This does not make the things outside your control unimportant.

It simply helps you decide where your effort can actually make a difference.

Be careful of endless problem-solving

When something matters to us, it can feel useful to keep thinking about it.

You might replay conversations, search online repeatedly, imagine different outcomes or keep asking yourself:

“What if…?”

Sometimes this helps us identify something useful.

But once you have done everything realistically available to you, continuing to think about the same problem may no longer be problem-solving.

It may simply be keeping you inside the worry.

Try asking:

“Is thinking about this again giving me anything new?”

If it isn’t, give yourself permission to put it down for a while.

Bring your attention back to today

Uncertainty often pulls our thoughts into the future.

What if this happens?

What if the decision goes against me?

What if things get worse?

You cannot know every future outcome.

Try bringing the timeframe closer.

Ask:

“What do I actually need to deal with today?”

That might be going to work, making dinner, attending an appointment, walking the dog or simply getting through a difficult day.

Focusing on the present does not mean pretending the bigger problem does not exist. It means not allowing an uncertain future to occupy every part of today.

Give worry somewhere to go

If the same thoughts keep returning, try writing them down.

Some people also find it useful to set aside a short period specifically for thinking about their worries.

If the thought returns earlier, you can remind yourself:

“I’ve written this down. I’ll come back to it later.”

You may still think about it. The aim is not to force thoughts away, but to stop every worry demanding your attention immediately.

Think about what you need while you wait

If you cannot change the situation, a different question can sometimes help:

Instead of:

“How do I fix this?”

try:

“What would help me manage this?”

Perhaps you need:

• more reliable information
• somebody to talk to
• practical help
• a break from thinking about it
• a normal routine
• something enjoyable to look forward to
• rest
• professional support

Coping with uncertainty is still doing something.

Don’t put your whole life on hold

When you are waiting for something important, it can feel as though nothing else matters until you know the outcome.

But your life is still happening while you wait.

Where possible, continue with ordinary routines, relationships and activities you enjoy.

You are not ignoring the problem.

You are recognising that something outside your control does not have to control every part of your day.

When might I need more support?

If uncertainty or things outside your control are causing ongoing stress, affecting your sleep or making everyday life difficult, consider talking to somebody about how you are feeling.

You could speak to your GP or another healthcare professional.

Counselling or talking therapies may also help some people explore difficult situations, manage uncertainty and find ways of coping with things they cannot change.

1.7 – Why Am I Worrying About Things I Can’t Control?
2.7 – Practical Ways to Reduce Everyday Stress
2.8 – How to Switch Off After a Stressful Day
2.10 – Creating a Simple Stress Action Plan
10.1 – Coping With Uncertainty

General information only. This is not a diagnosis or a substitute for professional healthcare advice.