- Carers Mind Hub
A question that can break your heart
You are sitting in the living room where they have spent twenty years. Their photographs are on the mantelpiece and their favourite chair is by the window. Then they look at you and say, ‘I want to go home.’ You explain that they are home. They insist they are not. Ten minutes later, the conversation starts again.
For a family carer, it can feel like being told that everything familiar has disappeared. But ‘home’ may not mean the address on the front door. It might mean an earlier house, the people they grew up with or simply the feeling of being safe and settled.
Listen for what they are really asking
Try not to turn the conversation into a test of facts. Showing a utility bill or listing how long they have lived there rarely resolves the distress. Instead, acknowledge the feeling: ‘You'd like to be somewhere familiar. Tell me about home.’ They may talk about their childhood kitchen, a parent or a street that no longer exists. Listening can reveal what they are missing.
You do not have to agree with something untrue or invent elaborate stories. Gentle reassurance and a change of focus are often enough: ‘You're safe with me. Shall we have a cup of tea while we talk?’
Look for a reason it happens at that moment
Is the request strongest as daylight fades? Are they hungry, cold, uncomfortable or anxious after a visitor leaves? Does it happen in an unfamiliar room or after a change in routine? Check practical needs before assuming it is solely a memory problem.
A familiar blanket, favourite music, a photograph album or sitting together in a well-lit room may help. Some people settle after a short accompanied walk. Others prefer to talk about the home they remember. The right response depends on the person and can change from day to day.
What if they try to leave?
If someone is determined to go outside, keep your voice calm and avoid physically blocking them unless there is immediate danger. Offer to walk with them if safe, redirect towards a familiar activity and consider what changes might reduce future distress. If leaving the house presents a recurring risk, discuss a person-centred safety plan with the GP, dementia team or social worker.
A sudden increase in confusion or agitation warrants medical advice. Pain, infection, dehydration or changes in medication can make someone seem much more disorientated than usual.
You can love someone and still find this exhausting
Being asked the same question twenty times can wear down even the most patient person, especially if it happens every evening. Share the pattern with family members so they understand why you may need help at that time, not just an occasional visit at the weekend.
If you know another carer who has heard ‘I want to go home’ in a house full of family memories, pass this article on. Sometimes understanding the question changes the whole conversation.
